Shy

Wait am I talking about myself?  Yes I am.  It's true I am actually very shy.  I do not like attention and I do not like to stand out in a crowd.  I am not an attention whore.  But I have a blog?  That is a fundamentally narcissistic endeavor.  At that is true of most blogs and probably a little bit for mine as well.  I still hide here mostly in anonymity.   I have very few readers that know me and I get very little other traffic.  So this is still a safe little haven for me.  I realize what I write is out there for anyone to read but there is much more interesting stuff to read than this out there!  So shy girl has an attention seeking blog...WTF?  So I'm not perfect, get over it.  Also once you meet me I am horrible at holding back, I will make crude comments, swear and generally just be myself regardless.  You might as well know who I am right away then you can decide if you want to stay or leave ASAP.  I do not have any firm boundaries.  I'm just a paradox of a girl.


So why write about being shy in this very public way?  Well, most of you know I struggle with my weight.  I have been trying to lose weight for a long time now (seems like my entire adult life!) and I may lose a bit but it always comes back.  I've been spending some time trying to figure out why and part of it is my shyness.  I don't mind sharing my weight loss with a small group of people I trust but when it comes to more and more people noticing it and commenting on it...well I have a small panic attack.  In fact I have noticed that I breath a sigh of relief when the scale goes back up.  I simply do not like the attention that I get for losing weight.  This is something I have to figure out how to get over!  It's not bad attention, most people are very encouraging and I should be able to say "thanks for noticing my hard work" but it doesn't work that way.  Somehow I feel more invisible behind my weight and only have to come out when I choose.  Attention feels more in my control when I am heavier.  This also feeds into why I love my treadmill...no one sees me run!  Now that I'm getting to know more and more people in my neighbourhood, someone always sees when I go for a run and it freaks me out.  Maybe I should always run in a balaclava?  A few weeks ago a total stranger honked and gave me the thumbs up while I was out running.  Completely threw me off.  I know it was meant as encouragement as I went up a hill but it still made me jumpy.


So how do I deal with this strange facet of my personality.  First off I need to acknowledge that the comments are compliments!  And even if I suspect they are not (there are a couple people that are less than positive in my life) I need to learn to err on the side of optimism and accept it as a compliment.  Second I need to be able to say "thank-you, I am working hard" back.  Mostly of the time I shrug the comments off and say something like "not really, just changing shape".  Screw it, losing weight is hard work and I should say so!  Writing all this down in my jumbled stream of consciousness will help me .  So this little blog is about to get a little batty.  




So lovely readers, when I start losing weight and if you choose to compliment me on it, hold me to saying "Thank-you" because I'm going to start keeping a journal of comments and my reactions to them and then a 3rd column for what a regular person might think :) Ha!  What do I know about regular people?  Maybe tracking my feelings about it will help me to not go back up the scale.  Can't hurt to try!


J